Fifty Ways To Know Your Archer
by Red Witch
Summary: Who knows Archer best? Pam or Lana?


**The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters is taking a quiz. Not even this relationship quiz is mine. I saw it online. And I thought what would happen if Lana and Pam took it?**

 **Fifty Ways To Know Your Archer**

"Okay Mallory," Lana spoke into her phone. She was in the bullpen at the Figgis Agency. "I'll let you know if anything changes here. Bye."

Pam looked up from the couch. "She's still there huh?"

"Yeah," Lana sighed. "She's barely left Archer's side in days."

"Good," Cheryl said as she casually played with some glue.

"Gives us some peace and quiet around here," Ray said as he worked on a laptop on a desk nearby.

"Guess it's easier for you to visit your boyfriend by phone than going to see him huh?" Pam asked bitterly. "Oh wait, you're still on break."

"You're one to talk," Lana snapped. "You've hardly visited Archer at all!"

"Hey!" Pam snapped. "Just because I haven't been crying and moping like a bitch that doesn't mean I care any less! Last I checked, you haven't exactly been wearing a sackcloth and wailing on your knees!"

"I'm trying to raise a child as well as comfort Mallory!" Lana snapped. "I don't have time for a self-indulgent drunken binge!"

" _Self-indulgent_?" Pam interrupted. "You wanna make something out of this bitch!?"

"Maybe I do?" Lana snapped.

"STOP IT!" Ray snapped. "Look, you **both** care about Archer. And it's not easy for either of you right now. This isn't a contest."

"Except for Archer," Cheryl yawned. "Trying to win the biggest Let's Drag Everything Out Award. Seriously, how long can a guy stay in a coma? Just saying, the dude's milking it. He's just lying there having the time of his life…"

"OH, SHUT UP CHERYL!" Lana snapped.

"Don't tell her to shut up!" Pam snapped.

"Aww…" Cheryl said.

"Shut up!" Pam glared at her.

"What is your problem with me?" Lana asked. "Don't tell me you're jealous!"

"Of what?" Pam asked.

"Of my relationship with Archer," Lana said.

"HA!" Pam scoffed. "What relationship? You fight and then you screw and then you go on break. Fight some more then screw some more. At least Archer and I actually hang out as well as occasionally screw."

"Excuse me?" Lana was stunned. "Are you comparing what Archer and I have to whatever it is you and Archer have?"

"It's called friendship Lana," Pam said. "We have a bond."

"Archer and I have that," Lana protested. "We have a very deep bond between us!"

"Oh please!" Pam snapped. "I know more about Archer than you ever will!"

"Here's a relationship quiz," Ray said as he looked at the computer. "Fifty questions you should know about your partner."

"If you're so sure, why don't you **take it?"** Cheryl challenged.

"Maybe **I will**?" Lana sneered.

"I'll take it too!" Pam added. "And I'll beat your ass!"

"Bring it on!" Lana challenged.

"Ooh! Competition! Yummy!" Cheryl giggled. "I'll keep score!"

"You do that," Pam sighed. "How much you want to bet she forgets?"

"Even money," Lana admitted.

"First question," Ray said. "Name the one food your partner hates."

"That's easy," Lana said. "Anything non-alcoholic."

"Gotta give you that one," Pam shrugged.

"To be fair that was an easy question," Cheryl said.

"Well they have to start out slow," Ray said. "Next question…Is your partner a dog person or a cat person?"

"Dogs!" Lana said. "Definitely!"

"Wrong!" Pam said. "Archer's favorite animal is an ocelot which is a **cat!"**

"Archer loves dogs!" Lana said.

"He didn't love Duchess!" Pam pointed out.

"Duchess doesn't count," Lana said. "Duchess was Mallory's dog which she loved more than her son. Other than that **one dog** , Archer loves dogs. I mean you should have seen him with Kazak."

"Whatever happened to our agency's K9 unit?" Cheryl realized.

"Oh, who remembers?" Pam said. "Please! Archer is always talking about and trying to bond with Babou! Even though he shreds him every chance he gets."

"Yeah but other than Babou, Archer doesn't like cats," Lana said.

"He doesn't like dogs that much either," Ray pointed out. "Remember he used to have this rule about not letting either dogs or his mother into his apartment?"

"YES!" Pam whooped.

"However," Lana pointed out. "As we all know, Archer has broken that rule many, many, **many** times! Particularly when a stewardess is involved."

"That's also true," Ray realized. "Huh. We may have to come back to that one."

"Let's go to the next question Ray," Pam suggested.

"Who is their best friend?" Ray read.

Lana paused. "Damn it…"

"Say it," Pam grinned.

"Pam," Lana grumbled.

"YES! SCORE!" Pam grinned.

"It's not like there's that much of a selection around here!" Lana protested.

"Well that's rather hurtful," Ray grumbled. "What is your partner's idea of a dream vacation?"

"Whore Island!" Pam called out. "Next question."

"Hang on," Lana said. "That's not really a place."

"Are you sure?" Cheryl blinked. "Because I'm pretty sure I've been there."

"The answer is," Lana said. "Anywhere Archer can **get** a whore. And a steak poivre. And of course, alcohol."

"You did forget the steak and the alcohol, Pam," Ray admitted.

"Damn it!" Pam swore.

"I know more than you **think** I do!" Lana said.

"That's a first," Cheryl remarked. "Do another question Ray."

"Does your partner believe in God?" Ray asked.

"Depends if someone's shooting at him or not," Pam said.

"I think it's more than that," Lana said. "He does believe in ghosts so…?"

"That doesn't necessarily mean he believes in **God,** " Pam pointed. "Ghosts and God are completely different things!"

"Well there is the Holy Ghost," Cheryl pointed out. "So technically…"

"Look I'm not saying Archer is super religious or anything," Lana said. "Or religious at all. But he did go to a couple of religious prep schools so…"

"He also got **kicked out of** a couple religious prep schools," Pam pointed out.

"Look I'm pretty sure Archer at least believes in God," Lana said.

"That's true," Ray said. "He has to blame someone for his life."

"Isn't that his mother's job?" Cheryl asked.

"Archer says Oh God all the time," Lana said.

"So?" Pam asked. "I say holy shit snacks all the time. That doesn't mean I go out and **buy** them from the store!"

"We're talking **actual** shit snacks here, right?" Cheryl asked confused. "Not figurative ones?"

"Yes," Pam said.

"Because you buy a **lot** of junk food Pam," Cheryl said. "And I mean a lot."

"I know," Pam said.

"A lot," Cheryl said. "Like bear claws. Pop rocks. Pop candy. Rock candy. Twisties. Pullies. Goobers. Gobblers. Chips. Dips. Chocolate flips…"

"We **get it,** Whacked Out Wonka!" Pam snapped. "Next question."

"Do they like to cuddle when they sleep?" Ray blinked. "Even I know the answer to that one!"

"Yeah Ray was the CMZ up on the Mountain of Death," Lana snorted. "The Cuddle Militarized Zone."

"Was it cute?" Pam asked.

"Totally," Lana grinned.

"Next question," Ray groaned, blushing slightly. "Do they vote?"

"Only on the People's Choice Awards," Lana admitted.

Pam spoke up. "Well there was that one time he wanted to vote for that new zoning law that would have authorized a package store to be built a block from his apartment."

"Yeah two weeks after the election **actually happened** ," Lana said. "Doesn't count!"

"You're right," Pam realized. "I mean Archer has screwed a lot of politicians and their wives but never voted for them."

"What's their favorite song?" Ray asked.

Everyone said at the same time. "Danger Zone."

"What's going on?" Cyril walked in.

"Lana and Pam are taking a relationship quiz to see who knows Archer the best," Cheryl explained. "So far it's pretty much a tie."

"That one is too easy," Lana said. "We all know Archer's favorite song is Danger Zone."

"What's my favorite song?" Cyril asked.

"How should I know that?" Lana asked.

"BECAUSE WE DATED FOR AT LEAST FOUR YEARS!" Cyril shouted.

"Well not consecutively," Lana shrugged.

"And I've **told you** what my favorite song was!" Cyril protested. "Three times! It's…"

"Cyril we've already established long ago that Lana didn't give a shit about your relationship," Pam groaned. "This is about Archer! Move to the next question Ray."

"But…" Cyril began.

"We're **moving on** , Cyril!" Cheryl spoke up. "I suggest you do the same. Preferably to another state."

"What is their biggest sexual fantasy?" Ray asked. "Honestly I think this question should be thrown out because Archer's lived it at least two or three times."

"Two or **three?"** Cyril asked. "I think that number is at least in the triple digits!"

"Skip to the next question Ray," Lana fumed.

"Do they believe in ghosts?" Ray read. "Which Lana just answered so next question. Who is their celebrity crush…? Okay let's skip **that one** too."

"Please," Lana groaned.

"What is their dream job?" Ray asked.

"Well Archer was a spy, an astronaut, a pirate king," Lana counted them off. "Burger flipper, part of a drug cartel, detective…And possible porn star depending on how many videos of him having sex are floating around."

"Odds are at least ten to twenty," Pam nodded.

"So, I would have to say…" Lana frowned. "I don't know. Maybe running his own brewery?"

"I would also guess something related to alcohol," Pam said. "I would say owning his own strip club and waffle bar?"

"That's **your dream** Pam," Ray pointed out.

"Oh yeah," Pam said. "So it is."

"Next question Ray," Lana sighed.

"Did they go to college and if so what did they study?" Ray asked.

"We all know Archer did go to college and flunked out so…" Lana paused. "I'd say human anatomy."

"And Greek culture," Pam quipped. "You know because frat houses have Greek letters for their names and they throw a lot of parties so…"

"We **get it** Pam!" Cyril groaned. "Next question Ray."

"Do they drink coffee and if so how do they take it?" Ray read.

"Yes, Irish," Lana remarked.

"Ironically," Pam said.

"What's their idea of a perfect day?" Ray read.

"Oh, we all know **this one!"** Cheryl said. "Even I remember that stupid media day thing we did for…Why did we do it again?"

"Who remembers?" Pam shrugged. "But we all know it involves eating, drinking and whores. Which to be honest, is my idea of a perfect day too."

"Ehh," Ray and Cheryl nodded in agreement.

"Next question, Ray," Lana sighed.

"What do they like to read?" Ray asked.

"Anything but mission dossiers," Lana said.

"You gotta admit," Pam said. "For a guy who was always getting Ds in his English classes he knows a lot of obscure literary shit."

"Are they confrontational?" Ray asked. "Oh yeah…"

"Genghis Khan was confrontational," Cyril said. "Archer's an in your face bully plain and simple."

"Thank you, Mr. Plain and Simple," Pam quipped.

"Burn!" Ray smirked.

"You know…?" Cyril glared at them.

"What's their favorite sexual position?" Ray asked. "Since this is Archer I'm guessing **all** of them."

"He's right," Pam said. "But there was this one move we did in outer space…"

" **Move on** Ray!" Lana groaned. "Move on!"

"Do they get along with their family?" Ray read.

Cheryl rolled her eyes. "Cue the montage of Mr. Archer and Ms. Archer shouting **shut up** and shooting each other."

"Mob families get along better than those two," Cyril admitted.

Ray read on. "Are they allergic to anything?"

Cyril quipped. "Work."

Lana looked at Pam. "He's not wrong."

"Do they snore?" Ray asked.

"Depends if I'm on top or bottom," Pam shrugged.

"Do they consider themselves good with money?" Ray asked. "The real question should be, **are they** good with money?"

"In which the answer is no, obviously not," Cyril agreed. "Who buys two timeshares at the same time?"

"On the same week he bought a lemur," Pam added.

"And a crate full of slightly off black turtlenecks," Lana finished. "In summer!"

"What is their hometown?" Ray asked. "We all know he considers New York his home so let's move on…"

"Hang on Ray," Pam interrupted. "Hometown could mean a lot of things. Are we talking about where he was born or…?"

"He was born in a bar in Tangiers," Lana said. "After his mother killed a guy. That can't be a hometown by **any definition**!"

"I thought Archer's hometown was anywhere he could live and drink for free," Cyril remarked.

"Me too," Cheryl nodded.

"Next question," Ray blinked. "Are they good with money? Okay we just answered **that** one."

"These are easy," Cheryl remarked.

"So is Archer," Ray quipped.

"Burn!" Cyril cheered.

"What's their favorite childhood memory?" Ray read. "This I gotta hear."

"Uh hang on," Lana paused. "I know this. It has to be when he won the State Lacrosse championship."

"Nope," Pam said. "It's the day he lost his virginity to his Au Pair. When he was twelve."

Everyone paused. "Ewwwwwww…." They all said as one.

"Yeah that's a little too gross even for me," Pam admitted. "I mean if he was sixteen or even mature fifteen I could see it but **twelve?** Way too young."

"Archer's in his forties and he's not mature by a long shot," Cyril remarked.

"What's their biggest fear?" Ray read.

"Oh, I know **this one**!" Lana said. "Alligators, crocodiles, aneurisms, cyborgs, cyborg alligators…."

"We **all** know that one Lana!" Pam said. "He used to keep a list on the bulletin board."

"Nice to see he got over his phobia of the Bermuda Triangle," Cheryl spoke up.

"Do they have any health problems?" Ray blinked. "Fill in your own jokes folks. This one is too easy for me."

"Archer doesn't have…" Lana paused. " **That** many health problems."

"Besides being an emotionally stunted possibly autistic narcissistic alcoholic sexual addict that formerly had cancer and almost every venereal disease known to medical science?" Cyril asked. "Been poisoned, shot, stabbed, set on fire and is currently in a coma? Nooooo! He's fiiiiiiinnnnee!"

"Are they introverts or extroverts?" Ray asked.

"Extroverts," Everyone said at the same time.

"You can't have that much sex on top of a copy machine on a Monday and be an introvert," Cheryl agreed.

"What is their favorite movie?" Ray read.

"Anything with Burt Reynolds in it," Lana grumbled.

"Although he did have a brief infatuation with Shanghai Moon," Pam added. "But I'm pretty sure he's over that now."

"What kinds of things do they argue about?" Ray asked.

"Everything!" Lana and Pam said at the same time.

"Do they like to celebrate their birthday?" Ray asked.

"Duh!" Cheryl scoffed.

"Archer thinks his birthday should be a national holiday," Cyril agreed.

"What is their favorite way to relax?" Ray asked.

"Whores and booze," Pam said. "How hard is it to figure **that out?"**

"Not that hard," Cyril sighed.

"That's what she said about his dick!" Cheryl whooped. "What's the score?"

" **You're** the one who was supposed to keep score!" Ray snapped.

"I was? Whose dumb idea was that?" Cheryl blinked.

"You called it," Lana said to Pam. "Just move on Ray."

"How often do they drink alcohol?" Ray asked.

Everyone in the room started laughing their heads off. "Oh my God!" Cheryl laughed. "This is like the most hilarious relationship quiz ever!"

"We needed a good laugh," Cyril chuckled.

"We really did," Lana said. "What's the next question, Ray?"

Ray asked. "What do they love about their current job?"

"Drinking and screwing around," Cyril spoke up. "Like all the rest of you!"

Ray asked. "What do they hate about their current job?"

"His mother," Lana quipped.

"Do they like to cook?" Ray asked.

"Not really," Pam said. "Unless you count cocktails."

"He did like being a chef," Lana pointed out. "When we went undercover that one time."

"And the Albanian ambassador was poisoned," Ray said.

"Not by the food," Lana said.

"What's something they really regret?" Ray asked.

"Not using a condom with Trinette," Cyril quipped.

"I bet Archer regrets sleeping with Veronica Deane," Lana grumbled.

"Even Cyril was closer than that," Cheryl remarked.

"Yeah he's just sorry he got shot by her," Pam nodded. "Next question Ray."

"What super power do they wish they had?" Ray asked.

"The idiot thinks he's freaking immortal," Lana said bitterly.

"Give her that one," Pam nodded.

"What's their favorite color?" Ray blinked.

"Tactile Neck Black," Pam and Lana said as one.

"What's **my** favorite color?" Cyril asked.

"Who cares?" Cheryl snapped. "Move on!"

"Are they messy or clean?" Ray asked.

"Well he's not clean," Pam said. "Any idiot who uses a candy bar wrapper for a condom isn't exactly Felix Unger."

"He did that with you too?" Lana asked.

"And me!" Cheryl said.

"What kind of asshole uses a candy bar wrapper as a condom?" Ray asked.

"Archer obviously," Cyril scoffed, clearly covering up his own sins. "Next question!"

Ray read another one. "How much does your partner care about his appearance? Oh my God…"

"Too easy," Lana said. "Move on."

"Next one," Ray said. "How much do they care about **your appearance**?"

"Too easy," Pam groaned. "Move on!"

"Do they have any hobbies they are passionate about?" Ray asked. "Besides hunting vaginas?"

"You added the hunting vaginas clause, didn't you?" Cheryl asked.

"I thought it was necessary," Ray said.

"Good call," Cheryl admitted.

"I know he likes to read…" Lana paused.

Pam made a scoffing sound. "Porn magazines maybe? Wrong! It's lacrosse!"

"Which he hasn't played in years!" Lana pointed out.

"He can still watch the damn games!" Pam said. "Although I don't remember him doing so. Or if lacrosse is on TV…"

"Oh my God!" Cyril snapped. "You're **both** wrong! It's making prank phone calls, finding ways to annoy his mother and torturing **me**!"

"He's right," Pam realized. "Damn it!"

"Oh my God," Cheryl blinked. "Cyril you're totally crushing at this game!"

"He might just win this thing," Ray admitted.

"NO, HE WON'T!" Lana and Pam snapped.

"What is their favorite sport?" Ray asked. "Again, besides hunting vaginas?"

"Lacrosse," Everyone said at the same time.

"What do they like on their pizza?" Ray asked.

"Gee even I don't know that one," Pam blinked. "I've seen him eat pizza but not that often."

"Well he once had a margherita pizza," Lana said. "The name confused him. So…"

"Oh yeah," Cyril winced. "I remember the incident at Luigi's."

"So, do the New York Police," Lana said. "And the fire department."

"Is romance important to your partner?" Ray asked.

"Uh yeah," Pam said. "How else will Archer get laid?"

"This question isn't about sex," Ray said. "It's about romance. How Archer expresses feelings about another person."

"He can be pretty romantic when he wants to be," Lana sighed.

"Oh yes," Cyril quipped. "I'm sure when he suggested you do it in the broom closet it was **magical**!"

"For us it was the bathroom," Pam admitted.

"Copy machine," Cheryl sighed. "And one time on the fire escape."

"Next question," Ray said. "Before my stomach turns. Oh, this is a good one. What are your partner's ideas about marriage?"

"Oh, I have to hear **this,"** Cyril folded his arms. "Now boarding on Track One, the 3:15 to Delusion."

"I'm sure Archer at least…" Lana paused. "Thought about marriage…Once. Technically he did propose to me."

"He also proposed to Katya," Pam said. "And that stripper when he was plastered."

"And one time he was so drunk he proposed to a picture of Steve McQueen," Ray realized.

"And he married someone else too!" Pam realized.

"Only when he didn't know who he was!" Lana protested. "Doesn't count!"

"I think it kind of does," Cheryl blinked.

"It does from a legal perspective," Cyril said. "Face it Lana, the cyborg version of Archer was more into marriage than the original. And even then, his head exploded at the thought of marrying you!"

"I think that was more of a Turing Test thing," Cheryl spoke up.

"Next question," Ray read. "Do they want to have children? Pretty much a moot point at this juncture…"

"Archer…Came around to the idea of being a father," Lana said.

"After you stole his sperm!" Pam snapped. "And what about the wee baby Seamus?"

"Who is very likely no longer a wee baby anymore," Ray added.

"He only babysat him **twice** and both times were a disaster!" Cyril said. "Seriously what kind of parent lets their child be raised by Archer?"

"I take it that's not just a rhetorical question?" Lana folded her arms.

"Lana even though this is an internet quiz you got to look at the **facts!** " Cyril protested. "Archer for all his good points…As few as they are…Is not exactly relationship material!"

"And _you are_? Half of this list applies to **you**!" Lana snapped.

"Only **half!** " Cyril protested.

"That you know of," Ray finished.

"RAY!" Cyril snapped. "Lana when are you gonna wake up and smell the brandy laced coffee?"

"Oh, and you expect me to just fall back in your arms, do you?" Lana snapped.

"Well it's better than falling back onto Archer's dick!" Cyril snapped.

"I'm confused," Cheryl blinked. "Are we still playing the game?"

"I think Cyril is playing **another game** ," Ray told her. "And something tells me he's not gonna win this one."

"Lana you do this **all the time**!" Cyril protested. "He treats you like shit. You whine and complain about him forever. And then all of the sudden you go running back to him and the cycle starts all over again!"

"Just like you and Lana," Pam added.

"Yeah she treats you just as bad as Archer treats her," Cheryl realized. "Huh. It really is a cycle."

"I DO NOT!" Lana snapped. "Cyril cheated on me!"

"So did Archer! **Numerous times**!" Cyril snapped. "Even when you were on break, he knew how sleeping with Veronica Deane would affect you but he did it anyway! And even worse he made you take the fall for a murder rap because he thought it was funny! I never did that to you!"

"Well no," Pam said. "But you did let her take the fall for a few farts in the elevator…"

"THAT'S NOT EVEN CLOSE AND YOU KNOW IT!" Cyril snapped. "Even this stupid internet quiz proves that Archer is an immature, alcoholic sex addict that is completely incapable of **any type** of long lasting relationship! Even if God forbid you two did get married it would be a complete disaster that would make Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton's marriages look like a walk in the park! And if you were **half** as smart as you **think** you are…"

"WHAT?" Lana roared.

"Uh oh," Ray gulped.

"Pam! Get the camera!" Cheryl giggled.

"On it," Pam pulled out her phone.

"I just crossed a line, didn't I?" Cyril gulped as Lana stood up and advanced on him.

WHAM!

"Yuuup," Lana said after she punched Cyril on the nose and knocked him to the floor. She walked away in a huff.

"Got it," Pam grinned. "I'll send you guys a link."

"Send one to Archer's mailbox too," Cheryl suggested. "He'll appreciate it when he wakes up."

"Good idea," Pam said as she did so.

"Ow…" Cyril sat up and held his bloody nose.

"Way to go Cyril," Ray said sarcastically.

"Yeah you got Lana to release some of her pent-up anger," Cheryl said. "I bet that's why she and Pam were being so bitchy to each other."

"I do miss Archer," Pam sighed. "And full disclosure. I'm also on the rag. I'm a bit moody."

"TMI woman!" Ray winced.

"Well that was a waste of time," Cyril grumbled as he got up and left the room.

"Not from our perspective," Pam quipped.

"Guys we so need to do more internet quizzes around here," Cheryl giggled.

"Sure," Ray quipped. "Right after we stock up on bandages."


End file.
